21 / jewels / co
team levine 12.13.16
keep calm and chive on
insta / @emmmilyjewel
on december 3rd I will be 11 months clean of cutting
I got dressed this morning. For myself.
Put on eye liner. for myself.
Put on my favorite red lipstick. for myself.
Showed a bit of skin. for myself
I wanted to be beautiful. For myself.
I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologise constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything.
I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologise for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself.
I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologise when someone bumps into me and I immidiately assume it is my fault. How to not apologise when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before.
I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologise and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault.
I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.
I tried to hold myself together. I tried to keep my sadness down. I told myself that Iโm going to be okay. I told myself that I was strong, that I was happy. But how many more times do I have to keep on lying to myself to believe it?
School never taught me to love myself, forgive myself, make friends with myself. Instead, I was stuck memorizing โfactsโ that donโt matter.
Today I found myself close to edge.
Really close to the edge.
I started lashing out at my friends
Accusing people
Getting upset over the slightest thing…
I needed someone to blame
I could have blamed him
But instead I turned the blame towards myself.
I hated myself.
I started to question…
Iโm mad at myself for having mental illnesses. I hate myself. I just want to be normal. I canโt handle my life anymore. Iโm too stressed about everything and I canโt live this way.
Nothing scares me more than the dark and silence. Because in the dark and silence, I am at a constant battle with my mind. I now fear sleeping in the silence. I find myself losing in this battle every single time and I am tired of disappointing myself. No one disappoints me more than myself.
My ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself, eliminate toxic feelings and elements and energies from my life, unlearn negative and harmful practices and thought patterns, stop checking for people that donโt check for me, create a space for myself that is nurturing for growth so that i may generate loving energy for myself and others, nourish my spirit and balance my energies, i have big dreams and i deserves to live a life i love and let that love radiate.
